Lost Hope

Sometimes I see the world as a whole bursting with life and other times I want to shut myself away and keep all my thoughts bottled up inside. This is because I am afraid of what others will think of me when I express how I truly feel. I'm afraid that they won't understand. I don't know, maybe it's because of my past that I am scared of the opinions of others, or maybe it is because of the fact that when it comes to expressing my inner-most self, I would rather hide from the problem, running from it, instead of face it. It's not that I'm scared that I will mess up what I'm doing, or mismanaged my feelings, it's that I'm afraid to be in front of people in general. I find that I cannot accurately depict how I feel or what I'm trying to say when people are watching me or just listening to me, even when I'm doing something that I love. So, when asked if I truly want to be a performer, well, yes, I would like that because I want others to hear me and know what I can do, but my answer would also be no, because I am afraid to be up there alone doing what I like to do and I am afraid of being judged or turning into something that I am not. So maybe I'm going about this all wrong.

I've been a good writer since I was very young because I was intentionally a solitary creature and writing just seemed like a good way to vent my feelings and soon it blossomed into one of my favorite past times, especially in the times when I was depressive and felt as if no-one in the world cared that I existed. My journals basically became my best friends in my times of need. These were the times when I felt that my friends had abandoned me, like they no longer cared whether I existed or not. Sometimes my own family seemed to forget about me. So, I was essentially a loner.

ON my own I found that there was no-one to hold me back, nor was there anyone to encourage me to progress forward and that allowed me to be my inner-most self. Just like when I do something I love; when I'm by myself it is easier and I"m not so afraid to work to accomplish it, so why do I feel this way? Why does it seem like all hope is lost?

-Shattered_Reality